Time to Press the Reset Button

Untangled

When I react from a place fraught with anxiety
and heavy-leaden exhaustion.
When anger, frustration, and thick frenetic energy courses through
my body and mind, leaving me breathing hard, and tight as
if I had just run a marathon, top speed through
the seven gates of hell.
When I can’t stand to think, read, engage, or ground.
When that becomes my existence, my life, my scraggly mood than
I know that I need to press my Reset Button.
My Reset Button reminds me that I’m able:
To experience and not think
To listen and not speak
To let allow myself time to play and laugh with glee
To rest and not judge
To connect with the trees, water, fire, and land
To leave worry and self-doubt behind
To Just Be
I just pressed the Reset Button…I can breathe!

©words and photo: Alexis Rose

Thank you for reading my new book,

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Isolation

I love my job. I often say I have the best job in the world and I believe I do. I am an adult foster care provider. I have two adults who live with me. They have cognitive impairments. I have been an adult provider for 31 years. I am grateful every day to have a job I love, that I get to share my life with these wonderful individuals and that I am paid a livable wage.

I started doing foster care when I was single. I stopped after four years. I got married. When I became pregnant I had an opportunity to do foster care with someone I knew and so I started again when my oldest was two months old. It was a way I could stay home and be with my child. I had another baby and was thrilled that I could stay home with them and have M live with us. My children loved him. When they got to elementary school, I was able to volunteer in their classrooms. When they got older and didn’t want me to volunteer anymore I was there in the morning when then left for school and again when they got home. When I got divorced, I didn’t need to go out and look for a job. I had one, and by that time I had two adults living with me. My kids grew up and graduated. I continued to do foster care. I went to therapy to get help with an eating disorder, depression, shame and self-esteem issues. I had weight loss surgery and have lost ninety pounds. I got better physically and mentally.

Let me say this again. I am grateful for the life I have, and for the people I share it with. They downside of this job and of being healthier is the isolation I feel. I used to be a spontaneous person. Now I need to plan things out. I can’t meet a friend at a bar to watch a game. I work twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. I miss being with people. Having conversations with my peers. Dating (that’s another story.) I’m off at 9:15 in the morning. I need to be back at work at 1:15 in the afternoon. I do have some time off during the week and 2 weekends a month, but that is not guaranteed. Four hours, when most people are at work. Four hours to fit in medical appointments, and various other meetings for my job or myself. And if someone is sick, I stay home with them. My time off is contingent on other people. I am lonely. I am isolated. I am trying to figure out how to be a single person, who thrives on being with people. For ten years after my divorce I choose to focus on other people. Now it’s time to focus on me. And I don’t know how to do it. I don’t want a different job. This is my family. But, there needs to be a balance. And I am at a loss as to how, or where to find it… and fit it in.

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, trying to jump off, and scared shitless.  I’ve wanted to do a blog for a long time, but just haven’t.  Life happens, everyone has a story and I’m here to share some of mine.  I hope you can find something here that is helpful.  I am ready to walk off the edge, be brave and be honest.  Thanks Connie J, for suggesting my flippant comment be my blog name (more on that in the next post) and Evey K, for your help setting this up, and for your encouragement.  Ready…set…go!

 

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